I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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