nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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