...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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