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just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
