I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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