1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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