you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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