Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
