i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize