Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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