Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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