I can text with my tongue
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
