words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
