She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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