Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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