I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize