When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
