i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
