Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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