Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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