I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
