im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
