I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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