I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
