ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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