I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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