I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize