she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
