when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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