God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize