guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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