i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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