Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
