Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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