dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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