made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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