Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He keeps bees of course he's weird
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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