I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
