One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
