i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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