i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
