dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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