I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
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