I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
