Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
