it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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