paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
