I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Randomize
