Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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