don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Randomize
