I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
