i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
