i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
