Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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