i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
