I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
