I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
