i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize