i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
