We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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